What is domestic abuse?
WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?
Domestic Abuse can take several forms. It may be:
PHYSICAL ABUSE: slapping, kicking, punching, denying sleep, biting, shoving, starving, imprisonment
SEXUAL ABUSE: rape, sexual assault, forced sex, sexual insults, mimic or participate in pornography
ECONOMIC ABUSE: not being given access to money, forced to give up your job
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: being put down, called names, intimidated, isolation, cutting up of clothes
HARASSMENT: being followed, unwanted letters/telephone calls/texts/e-mails, threats
THESE ARE ONLY EXAMPLES
Each woman's experience is unique. Some of the ways women react to domestic abuse include:
It's my fault
I should be coping better
I'm stupid
Why don't I leave?
Why do I still love him or her?
I'm a bad mother if I let my children abuse me
I'm too ashamed to tell anyone
It can feel like you are the only one this is happening to and that other women cope much better than you. Once you seek help you'll find that you are not alone.
Recognising Abusers
Does your partner:
| - | intimidate, torment, shout, bully, drive too fast, never let you answer a question? |
| - | say you are stupid, a bad parent, belittle and tell you no one else would want you? |
| - | isolate you, restrict access to family and friends whilst appearing charming to them? |
| - | blame you for the abuse (saying it was 'only'), continually excuse their behaviour? |
| - | use your children to control you, try to turn them against you? |
| - | make you feel like a servant, control all the money and make all the decisions? |
| - | demand sex or rape you, make you feel dirty and unable to stand up to them? |
| - | after leaving you persuade or frighten you to resume the relationship? |
Feelings and behaviours
Feelings and behaviours you may experience can include:
| Anger | Anxiety |
| Being unable to eat, vomiting, feeling sick or bingeing | Controlled emotions |
| Depression | Disturbed sleep patterns |
| Fear of not being believed | Fear of the perpetrator, not feeling safe |
| Fear of the reactions of family and friends | Feeling ashamed |
| Feeling dirty | Feeling helpless or powerless |
| Feeling like I'm going mad | Flashbacks |
| Frequently distressed | Guilt |
| Headaches | Health deterioration |
| Hyper vigilance | Inability to trust |
| Intrusive thoughts or memories | Isolation |
| Lack of confidence | Mood swings |
| Nightmares | Obsessive behaviour |
| Panic attacks | Poor concentration |
| Poor self-esteem | Self-blame |
| Self-harm | Social phobia |
| Soreness all over the body | Startle reactions |
| Suicidal thoughts | Suicide attempts |
| Using alcohol to cope | Using drugs to cope |
Why do Women stay?
Why to women stay in or return to abusive relationships?
POWER:
Fear of Partner. Women are often terrified of being found by their abusers. Experience shows this fear to be justified - men will go to extraordinary lengths to trace women.
Fear of Living Alone. She may have been kept in isolation, have no friends, have been denied contact with her family. She may have been totally controlled and does not know how to cope alone.
Lack of self-respect/confidence. She may have come to believe all the names she has been called and therefore feels worthless.
Guilt. She may have been told that it is her own fault, that she provoked him and that therefore she gets what she deserves.
Drugs/Alcohol. Either of these can be used as a control.
PRACTICAL DIFFICULTIES:
Money. She may have no money and no idea that she is entitled to benefits.
Accommodation. Where will she go? Even if she knows her way around the 'system', the prospect of moving to a refuge or B&B can be daunting.
Possessions. She may have to leave absolutely everything behind in the knowledge that she is unlikely to see any of it again.
Children. She may feel guilty about uprooting her children from school, friends, family, pets and their father with whom they might have a good relationship. She may also fear that they will be taken away from her is she discloses domestic abuse.
Skills. If she has been controlled, given no money, clothes or social contacts or more generally no access to the public world, she may not KNOW how to leave.
EMOTIONS:
Love. It is perfectly possible to love someone but hate what they do. She may want the abuse to stop but not the relationship.
Hope. Women are often optimistic and want to believe the man when he says he won't do it again.
Children
The Effects on Children of Domestic Abuse
Variables that need to be taken into account when investigating the effect on children of domestic abuse include:
| • | Age | • | Gender |
| • | Culture | • | Race |
| • | Development stage | • | Personality |
| • | Family Circumstances |
Feelings that may be reported by children include:
| • | Ambivalence towards both offending and non-offending parent | • | Anxiety |
| • | Anger/aggression towards mother, other adults and siblings | • | Confusion |
| • | Fear | • | Guilt |
| • | Isolation | • | Lack of Trust |
| • | Loss of confidence | • | Powerless |
| • | Shame | • | Stress |
As a result of living with or witnessing domestic abuse, children or young people may:
| • | Experience direct abuse |
| • | Become anxious or depressed |
| • | Be particularly anxious if mother is absent |
| • | Be protective of mother/siblings by physically intervening, withholding information, getting help etc |
| • | Show advanced maturity and sense of responsibilty or act younger than their age |
| • | Have suicidal or homicidal thoughts or actions |
| • | Have difficulty sleeping |
| • | Experience nightmares or flashbacks |
| • | Wet the bed |
| • | Complain of being unwell |
| • | Become aggressive and/or have temper tantrums |
| • | Exhibit signs of physical abuse (either inflicted by self or others) |
| • | Become a victim or perpetrator of bullying and/or start truanting |
| • | Experience difficulty in concentrating on school work |
| • | Focus on school and attaining good results as a way of blocking out difficulties at home |
| • | Experience difficulty in making friends at school |
| • | Become withdrawn |
| • | Develop an eating disorder |
| • | Use drugs or alcohol as a way of escaping from their problems |
| • | Run away from home |
These indicators are not conclusive evidence that a child is affected by domestic abuse, but the presence of one or more should alert workers to the possibility that domestic abuse may be at the root of the behaviour.
